Fangs for the Memories III

Ligasha generally kept its experiments to itself. In fact, I had been expressly forbidden to intrude, much to my own private amusement, on the sealed-off section of my laboratory that Ligasha had claimed as its own. So, it was with considerable interest that I followed Ligasha into the basement.

Ligasha was extremely inquisitive, as you might suspect, and very methodical. It preferred not to believe the results of any experiment that it had not personally carried out, though taking a pragmatic stance to those currently outside our little lab's capabilities. Ligasha, before it had sealed off its section of my lab, had worked itself through all of the common undergraduate science experiments. I don't mean the "science for the layman"-type experiments, though a few that didn't duplicate other results were included. I mean, fully-fledged experiments that a Physics undergraduate would have to complete. And a Chemistry undergraduate. Biology, psychology, astro-physics; I once even saw Ligasha's nom de plume in a linguistics journal, and it regularly published articles on increasing the accuracy of results (and, of course, the results that it had more accurately determined). At first, I asked Ligasha why it was so thorough and persistent. "I want to know for myself," was the constant reply, to which I could say nothing.

In any case, Ligasha, with my assistance, attached a number of electrodes and other sensors to my head.

"Are you comfortable?" it asked, and when I nodded, "Good. I am now going to read your mind."

It is hard, sometimes, to tell whether Ligasha is joking or not. Even for a pentapede, whose expressions can be nearly indistinguishable anyway, Ligasha had an excellent poker face.

"In a manner of speaking, of course. For now. I am going to monitor how your brain reacts during our conversation, and correlate it with the context of our discussion." It added, "This is only a first step, of course. I have had sufficient time to analyze pentapede brain activities and can fairly accurately determine the general concept, given a bit of calibration to the individual. I suspect that human brains will yield to quite similar analysis. This first session should only take a few hours."

Fangs for the Memories, II

The Manitoban conflict was not my own doing. Well, not entirely. I may have sent agents to fan the flames of discord in the area, and it wouldn't be a complete lie to say that I supplied arms to the more hot-headed members of each faction*. But the issues that drove the majority of the populace to begin fighting one another were there from the beginning. Not that they remembered exactly what they were anymore, but that's fine because they're utterly beside the point.

The point is that most of the region, from Thompson south and including parts of North Dakota was a war zone and the factions had, unanimously** chosen me as Mediator and could agree on no one else. Such weight, to fall upon my shoulders. Kashsh, dealing with violent infighting amongst members of its*** cabinet, and Hawthorne, now struggling with uprisings in overseas American territories, were both eager to quell this diversion as quickly as possible.

Or so I hoped, since I was running out of influential contacts.

I stepped in front of the camera. A cavernous room, humming with activity, spread behind me.

"Steven, your t-shirt is interfering with the Green Screen," Ligasha said.

Modern video technology has made intimidating people much cheaper (and safer), but it does have its own difficulties. I swore mildly, ran to my room and swapped t-shirts.

When I strolled back into the room, Kashsh's beady gaze and Hawthorne's wrinkled face were framed in the monitors across my desk.

I nodded to Ligasha to start the camera on my end. "President Hawthorn. Prime Minister Kashsh. How can we bring events to a peaceable end? Have you read the revised demands by each of the-"

"The United States, as I have said before, will not, cannot, concede the territory in North Dakota," Hawthorne interjected.

"Nor will Canada concede any territory," Kashsh answered.

I stood up. "Then there is nothing else to discuss. I'll inform-"

"T' sh!" Swore Kashsh. "Very well. The President and I have agreed that this is all we can concede: a provisional government will be created for the region. Most internal matters will be left to this provisional government, but a combined group from the United States and Canada will remain to oversee certain areas."

"I'll discuss your proposal with the faction leaders. Drop the details into the ftp drop folder I've provided you; there's no need to waste time discussing them now."

Neither one said, "Goodbye," to me as they disconnected, but then I don't suppose that either one was very happy with me at the time.

"I'm confused," Ligasha said, following me from the room. "I had the impression that you were trying to obtain direct control of the territory for yourself."

"Yes, eventually. But this will offer a respite for those fighting the territories, while the provisional government—particularly the American-Canadian oversight—will serve to keep discontentment high—on each side. Although I doubt either Hawthorne or Kashsh intends to let it remain for very long; but they just have to be distracted long enough."

"I see."

It always worried me when Ligasha would end a conversation like that. I never mentioned it, but Ligasha was much smarter than I am, possibly the smartest being on the planet.

"Time for your experiment, I suppose."

* Indirectly. Don't bother trying to trace it; even I get headaches thinking about that convoluted route.

** With a little urging from my informants.

*** Pentapedes—and I hope you find my interjections on them interesting; it's all I can do to keep to the events with only footnotes on Pentapedes—are "asexual", meaning, in this case, that they are neither male nor female****. Instead, each Pentapede lays eggs coated in a special semen that prevents fertilization by the Pentapede's sperm. If another Pentapede lays eggs in the same place, then the sperm of each combines with the ova of the other, resulting in sexual reproduction. But, if left alone long enough—a few days to a week—the semen breaks down and the sperm fertilize, resulting in genetically identical off-spring (leaving aside mutations, of course). Terrifying, isn't it?

**** Biologically. Most Pentapedes prefer to remain gender-neutral (and don't mind being called 'it'), although I have heard that some Pentapede enclaves have developed their own gender roles, completely different from human genders.

Fangs for the Memories

"Ehen!"

I moaned groggily.

"Ehen! Wake uh!"

I opened one eye.

There, crouching upon my chest, was something that looked quite a lot like a tarantula. Its exoskeleton was covered in urticating hairs and it had two long fangs pointed directly at my chest. Its beady eyes were staring right into mine.

It raised its two front legs (it had five total) and tapped them on my chest.

"Ehen!"

"What?" I growled.

"Ih ime oo geh uh!" it hissed to me. It's time to get up!

I glared at it for a moment before sighing, "All right, Ligasha. I'm getting up."

Ligasha jumped off my chest and onto the nearby dresser.

There are certain advantages to being a mad scientist. You get to choose your own hours (subject to lightning storms, of course*); you can limit your contact with idiots to only those you've specifically chosen; and you can occasionally cackle maniacally without getting weird looks (except at restaurants).

But, you also have to live with the consequences of your actions. Well, normal people do, too, but it's not quite the same as "I seem to have put on a bit of weight over the holidays" and "Oh dear, I've accidentally invaded a sovereign nation and grossly underestimated the time and resources it would take". No, mad scientist consequences are more along the lines of "Holy crap, this gray goop just ate an entire continent" and "Great, now I have to attempt to integrate this new life form not only into the ecosystem but also into the social and geopolitical environment of human society."

That second one is mine, unfortunately. Don't get me wrong: Ligasha is a wonderful companion and has been an incredible boon to my research. But the other Pentapedes... well, let's just say that they're as varied in attitude and belief as humanity. Only without most of the inhibition.

Ligasha followed me from my bedroom and into the bathroom.

"What's up for today?" I asked.

You're supposed to be on a conference call with President Hawthorne and Prime Minister Kashsh** right after breakfast to discuss a peaceful resolution to the Manitoban Conflict, and after that, Steven, you had agreed to assist me with my latest experiment.***

"Of course, Ligasha. Hopefully Hawthorne and Kashsh will be more amenable to my requests this time."

Ligasha clung silently above me, thinking its own thoughts.

* Just kidding. Turns out you don't really require a lot of power to create life. And, besides, nuclear, solar and wind power (combined with appropriate capacitors) are a more reliable combination.

** The Pentapedes conquered most of Canada about five years ago, and have managed to run it quite well in the meantime, considering.

*** Pentapedes understand English, or any human language, perfectly well, being, on average, only slightly less intelligent than humans****. However, because their mouths are so different from human mouths, they have difficulty speaking it. From here onward, I will write what they mean, rather than their actual vocalizations.

**** But with a much larger standard deviation. Ligasha is a fairly exceptional example.