Fangs for the Memories

"Ehen!"

I moaned groggily.

"Ehen! Wake uh!"

I opened one eye.

There, crouching upon my chest, was something that looked quite a lot like a tarantula. Its exoskeleton was covered in urticating hairs and it had two long fangs pointed directly at my chest. Its beady eyes were staring right into mine.

It raised its two front legs (it had five total) and tapped them on my chest.

"Ehen!"

"What?" I growled.

"Ih ime oo geh uh!" it hissed to me. It's time to get up!

I glared at it for a moment before sighing, "All right, Ligasha. I'm getting up."

Ligasha jumped off my chest and onto the nearby dresser.

There are certain advantages to being a mad scientist. You get to choose your own hours (subject to lightning storms, of course*); you can limit your contact with idiots to only those you've specifically chosen; and you can occasionally cackle maniacally without getting weird looks (except at restaurants).

But, you also have to live with the consequences of your actions. Well, normal people do, too, but it's not quite the same as "I seem to have put on a bit of weight over the holidays" and "Oh dear, I've accidentally invaded a sovereign nation and grossly underestimated the time and resources it would take". No, mad scientist consequences are more along the lines of "Holy crap, this gray goop just ate an entire continent" and "Great, now I have to attempt to integrate this new life form not only into the ecosystem but also into the social and geopolitical environment of human society."

That second one is mine, unfortunately. Don't get me wrong: Ligasha is a wonderful companion and has been an incredible boon to my research. But the other Pentapedes... well, let's just say that they're as varied in attitude and belief as humanity. Only without most of the inhibition.

Ligasha followed me from my bedroom and into the bathroom.

"What's up for today?" I asked.

You're supposed to be on a conference call with President Hawthorne and Prime Minister Kashsh** right after breakfast to discuss a peaceful resolution to the Manitoban Conflict, and after that, Steven, you had agreed to assist me with my latest experiment.***

"Of course, Ligasha. Hopefully Hawthorne and Kashsh will be more amenable to my requests this time."

Ligasha clung silently above me, thinking its own thoughts.

* Just kidding. Turns out you don't really require a lot of power to create life. And, besides, nuclear, solar and wind power (combined with appropriate capacitors) are a more reliable combination.

** The Pentapedes conquered most of Canada about five years ago, and have managed to run it quite well in the meantime, considering.

*** Pentapedes understand English, or any human language, perfectly well, being, on average, only slightly less intelligent than humans****. However, because their mouths are so different from human mouths, they have difficulty speaking it. From here onward, I will write what they mean, rather than their actual vocalizations.

**** But with a much larger standard deviation. Ligasha is a fairly exceptional example.